January- the Post-December Black Hole and Failing at Yoga

For probably the greater part of 2019, I spent far too much time fending off a gnawing worry at the back of my mind. The Post-December Black Hole. And I’m here to tell you, on February 1st, that the black hole, while at times scary and certainly unexpected, is not altogether unpleasant, and I haven’t imploded (well, at least not yet.)

January started with a few restful days in Ohio snuggling my parents’ puppy, chasing a few wild(ly) lovable kiddos, and mentally preparing myself for a spring of day-to-day subbing. Honestly, I was not super happy about the trajectory for my spring and felt like such a failure for not having a full-time teaching position to step into. But, more than anything, looking head-on into an uncertain next few months pushed me to cling to what I knew to be true: that God had sustained me thus far, that He is faithful, and that His plans are better than mine. 

I finished week 1 of full-time subbing with a job interview at the middle school where I did my student teaching, accepted the position, and turned around to start teaching that next Monday. 3 weeks in now, and it still feels so surreal to be a “real” teacher. Some days have felt incredibly long as I tackle the challenge of jumping into a position mid-year in a subject area I’m not totally confident in on top of general first-year-teacher growing pains. But I’m in such a safe place to grow as I learn to give myself the same grace I extend to others and to reach out for help when I need it, among many other lessons. 

Being a long-term sub as a middle school business teacher wasn’t anywhere on my radar for what I thought the Post-December Black Hole was going to be, and the thing is, I’m confident that even if this position wouldn’t have came up, God still would have been faithful to grow and shape me. I have to keep reminding myself that His faithfulness and goodness isn’t tied to my circumstances, that even if the fear that gnaws at the back of my mind does come true, my foundation in Him is still secure. 

My challenge for myself this January, besides basic survival and not drinking a full French press of coffee every day, was to do yoga every day. I’ve always really enjoyed yoga, and with not being able to run outside in the winter months, I committed to trying something new. Right off the bat, I surprised myself by not being good at yoga- and not just the stereotypical poses that require insane balance and flexibility. Those I am actually half-decent at. What I tragically fail at in yoga is the whole mindfulness piece. I had no idea how busy my mind is and how used to multi-tasking I am until I blocked out half and hour every day to be fully present with just me, my mat, and Adriene (from yogawithadriene.com). 

Some days were worse than others, but I caught myself twitching to check my email or answer that text or write something else on my to-do list so often. My least favorite pose (because I’m awful at it) is called chevasana, or “corpse pose,” which is just like it sounds- laying on the ground, like a corpse. Most days, Adrian would end the practice with 2 minutes of chevasena, and I would struggle so.much. to just lay there and be mindful of my breathing, rather than let my mind wander to a million other things. 

I’m still not great at yoga, but I’m planning to keep it a part of my daily routine. As much as I hate to admit it,  it’s a big step for me to stick with something that doesn’t come naturally to me and that I fail at often, so I think it’s important to keep going even after my one month challenge finished. Carving out that time to slow down, unplug, and be present with myself has made me stronger mentally and physically, and I’m excited to see how I keep growing. 

What I’ve been reading:

1. Inkheart by Cornelia Funke: this is such a charming fantasy novel that reminds me why I loved reading in school. The gist is that the main character and her father can read characters out of books, and when they accidentally bring a supervillain into their world, chaos ensues. I can’t wait to read the other two later this year!
2. How’s Your Soul by Judah Smith: 90% of this book is random stories and fluff vaguely tied to Scripture, but the one part of the book that still sticks out to me is when Judah, now a megachurch pastor, said that he was no more joyful or fulfilled as the head pastor of his church than when he was the janitor in the same building. This was such a timely reminder to not tie my joy and fulfillment to a circumstance or position. 
3. Girl on the Train by Paula Hawkins: I could not put this book down. If you’re into murder mysteries or thrillers, even if you don’t love reading, I can not recommend enough.
4. Scary Close by Donald Miller. Don holds such a special place in my heart- I read one of his books in high school, and I remember being so surprised and encouraged by the vulnerability he writes with. I felt the same with Scary Close. Don is funny and authentic, and he gives advice like a wise friend would- never over-the-top didactic but not theologically watered-down, either. I highly recommend this one as well.